The authority-submission principle

It always surprises me that people vehemently oppose the authority-submission principle in marriage, although it is accepted in every other aspect of life. God placed the husband in the position of head of the home (I Corinthians 11:3) for only one reason: to ensure good order and to prevent chaos. What would happen in a school where there was no principal or acting- principal? What would happen to a ship that had no captain? What would happen to a hospital without a medical superintendent? What would happen to a business that had no manager? The answer is easy enough: chaos will reign.

Someone has to take the responsibility, someone has to provide the leadership, someone has to make the decisions — and it’s no different in the home. God has given that responsibility to the husband — and it’s an awesome enough responsibility without having to contend with a wife who is constantly rebelling or seeking to impose her will on him.

Just as in a business situation the manager is not superior to his subordinates (certainly not as a person) so the position of home leader does not make the husband superior to his wife. In fact the wife may have better insight with regard to certain matters than the husband and if he is wise he will consult her and utilise her brainpower. In turn the wife must give her husband the benefit of her insight and judgement. She must not keep quiet. It is only when there is not agreement, that the husband has the authority and the responsibility to make the final decision.

My boss at work often consults me about problems in the firm. On some days we agree and he might follow my ideas — but sometimes he disagrees with me and decides to act contrary to my advice. At that point I have the choice to either support him and to carry out his decision or else I can resign. I cannot impose my will on him by refusing to obey him. True submission therefore is not to leave the decisions to your husband — that’s avoidance or yielding behaviour — but to support him wholeheartedly after you have failed to reach consensus. True submission is therefore to support him in a decision even when you disagree with him.

The unsubmissive wife

What are the consequences in a relationship where the wife tries to control her husband and impose her will on him? It will have one of two effects on the husband. Either he will respond by establishing a dictatorial rulership literally crushing his wife emotionally, or he will abdicate his responsibility as head of the house. A survey conducted by an American university found that children were happier and better adjusted socially in homes where the husband was the undisputed head of the family. Where a wife is exceptionally dominant and the husband particularly withdrawn, there is also a strong likelihood that the sons will develop homosexual tendencies.

God views an unsubmissive wife in a very serious light. In II Samuel 6 we read that Michal despised her husband David and looked down on him. As a result God made her barren for the rest of her life. In Proverbs 21:19 we read: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Proverbs 27:15 tells us that “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.”

What if my husband won’t take the lead?

Many a wife has taken over the leadership in the home with the excuse that “somebody has to make the decisions and if he won’t then I’m forced to do so”. No doubt a very plausible argument — but such an approach will not bring about a happy marriage relationship. If a husband does not take the lead in the home the wife must ensure that she keeps an even lower profile. In other words she must make sure that she stays “under him”, just as God wants her to do.

Brigitte had a choleric temperament and a phlegmatic husband. She used to lock up the house at night, she made sure that all the bills were paid, that the car was serviced, etc. When they had guests for dinner she would ask one of them to say grace before the meal. She used to make all the holiday plans and inform her husband accordingly.

But she wasn’t happy, and because she wanted to obey God, she realised she would have to change her behaviour. So instead of blaming her husband as she used to do, she apologised to him for taking over the leadership in the home and announced that from then on she was going to leave the leadership to him.

There was no overnight change and a couple of times bills were left unpaid, while on several occasions they retired for the night with the front door unlocked. However, her husband began to take over gradually. As he took a more active lead, she supported him and expressed her appreciation, which in turn gave him new self-confidence. With time every facet of their marriage including their sexual relations, became a source of real happiness.

God will not hold the wife responsible for her husband’s lack of leadership, although He will hold her responsible for her lack of submission. For as long as she insists on taking the leadership responsibility on her own shoulders, her husband will never take over from her. When however, she does submit she can leave it safely in God’s hands to change her husband.

The working wife

I am not about to suggest that women should not take up employment although much could be said about the harmful consequences on pre-school or young school-going children whose mothers hold down full-time jobs. However, I do want to point out that most working women willingly place themselves under the authority of a boss, and yet some of them strongly resist placing themselves under the authority of their husbands. The working wife has a dual responsibility — i.e. to the boss and to the husband — which may create conflicting demands, or else encourage the wife to assert her independence from her husband, especially since she is no longer financially dependent upon him.

This does not apply to all working wives, but the possibility must be guarded against, for it can become a great source of marital conflict.